Knox Hill ft. Josh Schulze - Best Of Myself (Initial Thoughts)

Thoughts beforehand

I got the impression from how Knox talked about this song beforehand, that it means a lot to him that his fans try and make it to this premiere - like, more than usual. He seems very serious. So, I made sure I left work on time etc, so I made it there.

I'm a bit worried. If he's trolling us now, I'm gonna be pissed.

Josh's name looked familiar, so I typed a YouTube search and they've collabed about a gazillion times.

He's saying in the chat he's doing a live this weekend to explain this song etc., things related to it. Me and the fiancé are going on a trip :( Got everything booked etc. I'll have to watch it at a later time, unless it's on Sunday evening when we're back from the trip already...

Initial thoughts

Got me speechless for a solid 10 minutes.

Musical-wise (beat, flow, etc), amazing. 10/10.
Same with the visuals, this is like a proper short film. Sam is so talented.

He hasn't posted the lyrics anywhere yet, so I won't break them all down now. I will later, if he posts them on a pinned comment or something.
But they're clearly about his wife. She had a benign tumor some time ago, I think it's been about a year if not longer? But now, after hearing the song and seeing the video (especially the ghost like hand holding Knox's in the end) I wonder if she got another tumor. And died. Did she die, or is this Knox dealing with how scared he was that she might die, when they didn't yet know if it's benign or not?

God I hope she's ok... I don't even know her, but you know... I care about Knox, and Knox loves her, so of course I want her to be alright...

I'm struggling to find words, I'm sort of in a shock I think... This answered some of the questions I've had on my mind about this song in the past few days when I've known it exists, but... then again, it raised more questions I didn't have before.

If she has passed away: May she rest in peace. My heart goes out to Knox, his daughters and his wife's relatives, everyone who knew her personally. I'm sorry for your loss.

If she's still alive: What a heck of a way to express the feelings and thoughts of possibly loosing her. True artistry.

A small side tangent, cause I... just... I don't know what else to say

Me and my fiancé also went though a health scare a few years ago, but nothing to the extent of Knox and his wife. Fiancé used to have these eye infections pretty often, but usually they went away with some eyedrops in few days. Then, this one time, around five years ago (gosh darn, has it been that long??) an eye infection just wouldn't go away, no matter what he did. By chance, he noticed that the place he worked in back in the day offered free blood tests if there's a health concern. So he thought, why the heck not, lets test that as well, what harm can that do? He went in this one afternoon and we were supposed meet afterwards at a bar with me, him and two of my uni friends. They tested his blood and then didn't let him out for, like, 24h or something. I was so shocked and scared all I could say to my friends was "oh, he can't make it today". Because that was literally all I knew. All he knew. I can't even make it there to see him, because visiting hours were over etc. The next day the doctor comes in and he has this VERY serious look on his face, and my fiancé was like "oh god, he's gonna tell I'm gonna die". And that's how it sounds at first from what the doctor is saying, he's talking about a "life-altering illness" and "this is going to prevent so many things" etc, basically saying my fiancé won't die but his life is essentially over. Still makes my blood boil of anger, cause you know what the diagnosis was? Diabetes. Freakin diabetes, which is SO well treatable these days you barely even notice a person has it before they use insulin or tell you about it. It was a type 1 diabetes, but he was almost 30 when he was diagnosed (type 1 is usually diagnosed when one's a child). His blood sugar levels were apparently pretty horrific and that's why they didn't let him out. He takes two different types of insulin now, has regular control visits and might get glasses at some point (because the diabetes has made the blood vessels on his eyes worse and he can't see as well as he used to). But he's still up and kickin, working full-time etc. I'm still angry at the doctors for 1) not telling him 2) making it seem like the end of the world. I know it was only ~24h of uncertainty and we don't have kids, so our situation wasn't nearly as bad as Knox's and his wife's, but I was truly scared he might die, he was truly scared he might die. So I still do relate to some of Knox's experience.
Unless his wife has actually died since. In that case, these stories are not at all comparable.

It's now an hour later (that I'm finishing this post off, I've been thinking/typing this whole time), and I noticed something else:

Knox also said something about this date being important to him. That this song had to be released TODAY. Did she die a year ago and he just told us now? Did they get the diagnosis a year ago? Is it her birthday or their anniversary? I guess he'll explain it in the live. In the one that I can't make it to :( (I'm mentally preparing I can't make it, so if it's like on a Sunday or something and I CAN make it, then I can be happy about that. Pessimist is never disappointed.)

Edit: I tried to scour through his social media to find out more. One of his Instagram posts has hashtags #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #stress and some others, but nothing indicating that she'd died. I think my latter theory of the lyrics is correct: she's still alive and this is "just" an amazing piece of art about a very difficult time he went through. No other art piece has shook me like this in months. 

Edit #2 (written ~5h after the song released): I don't think she died, I think Knox is just a very good songwriter and made me go through that fear with him. And I realized a couple of things that "prove" she didn't die a year ago, at least: once Knox was having a livestream, and a sore throat, and his wife was watching the stream and texted him if he wants tea and then delivered it to him (passed it at the door, we didn't see her). I thought that was very sweet of her. 💖 Another thing is that I've been having a bit of anxiety today and my mind tries to convince me i.e. that because Knox hasn't liked my comments or responded to my comments for a long time now, that must mean I have done something  to upset him and he hates me now. And I know that's not true, he doesn't hate me, so I argue back at the thoughts with things that prove the opposite. And I remembered one of the times he has responded to me, and that was when I heard that Chinchilla is on Britain's Got Talent (no idea how she's been doing there, btw) and wrote that in his comment section and he responded by telling me his wife told him that and that he's surprised Chinchilla is there in the 1st place 'cause she doesn't need it for her career, etc etc. And this actually lead me to think about this post again and realize that there have been signs of her being alive in the past year... Like the tea. And to come here and correct some of my interpretations. I just didn't want to start with that, you know, like, "This is how I know this person's wife isn't dead, I GOT ANXIETY". Didn't want to make it about me immediatelly. But I feel like mentioning the anxiety is important to understand my thought process. And this song is about anxiety and mental health struggles anyway, so... lets normalize talking about them. I've slept like crap all week cause my mind keeps doing this to me every night...